Today is a big day!

Dear Gabe,

Today is a very big day - for me, probably more than it is for you! Today is the very first day in your whole life that you haven't nursed. For your nap, I thought I would experiment and put you down without nursing and see what you did. Well, you went to sleep with ease in about ten minutes. At night, I thought I'd see if you wanted to go to bed. Often you tell me you want to nurse. Today you just wanted to get in bed with your duck and your teddies.

I'm very proud of you!

I'm very sad for me.

And if I'm to be totally honest, I feel scared for me, too. Nursing has always been the time when you were calm with me and we could just spend time together. I have looked forward to those times because I feel connected to you, and like it's very easy to care for you. It's not so easy to care for you when you're running around getting into things and wanting to read the same story a hundred times or yelling because you're upset you can't go outside to play in the water. Nursing you was something I could do, and do well.

I really do want to be a good mom and I know that means gradually letting you go and giving you up. This is just one more sign of that and it makes me sad because I love being your mom and every stage you're in goes by too quickly. I hope you remember that when you have children. Every stage seems like eternity when you're in it, but in reality they're gone in moments and you're onto something new. You can never hold, cuddle, or love a baby too much.

I hope you'll indulge me and let me call you my baby for a while longer. I know you're big and I know you're independent and I know you love exploring and discovering. But in my heart you're still my baby and I promise I'll work hard at learning to let you grow and go!

Love,

Mom